But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
