The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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