I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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