Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
