oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
