how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
