no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
