The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
