Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
