Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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