He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
