My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
