how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
