I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
