There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
