1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
