DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
