2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
