I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
