He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
