Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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