He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
