I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
