i think i have herpe
just one?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
