its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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