Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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