I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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