i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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