the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
