I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Randomize
