It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
