im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
