found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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