I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
