she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
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By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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