We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
