I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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