If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
