happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
bring money and cleavage
should my penis look like a turkey
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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