you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
