your parents love me but you hate me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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