Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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