I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
