I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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