after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
