Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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