shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm having to shit out rocks
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
