yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your cock deserves a montage
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
