if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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