There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
