my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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