So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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