So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
